Tag: life

Posted in psychology

The influence of people around you

Posted on by M Artisans

Yes people come and go in our life and they also influence us in one way or another. My constant prayer as a parent is for my child to meet friends who will be of “good” influence to her. I grew up in a traditional manner, raised by strict grandmother and parents, choosing good friends is important.

A motto that marked indelibly in my heart is this saying;

Show me your friends and I will tell you who you are.

– anonymous

There are many versions of this quote but they all mean the same thing. In Social Psychology, this influence is being recognized and scientifically proven. Your closest associates (sometimes called – reference group) can determine much of your success in life. Our friends influence us subtly yet powerfully, and that can either be good or bad.

Research shows we do not have as much control over our thoughts and behavior as we think. We take cues from our environment, especially other people, on how to act.

– Psychology Today

Another powerful quote by Jim Rohn – “You are the average of the 5 people you hang around with.” The first quotation stayed with me since highschool. And recently, studying Psychology out of interest helps me gain more insight in relationships and human behavior.

You can’t choose your family, but you have the power to decide who to be close with. You also have the power to avoid certain people – toxic ones, for they will definitely shape who you are.

From my notes in Managing Emotions (Social Emotional Learning SEL) by Yale University – Humans are social creatures, we are influencing each other’s feelings whether we realize it or not.

Photo by Min An on Pexels.com

Surrounding yourself with good people is not a strategy, it is a necessity. Having family and friends who motivate and help you become better (or best) version of yourself is a blessing.

❤

Posted in life, motivational

What it means to be loyal

Posted on by M Artisans

If there’s one substantial quality to have in our relationships – with our loved ones, our family, friends, partners, colleagues, etc. – it could be loyalty. All relationships even between sellers and customers are based on our ability to be loyal.

Loyalty, in general use, is a devotion and faithfulness to a nation, cause, philosophy, country, group, or person. Philosophers disagree on what can be an object of loyalty, as some argue that loyalty is strictly interpersonal and only another human being can be the object of loyalty.

– Wikipedia

We may have different perceptions of loyalty but there are common characteristics that indicate loyalty. It is the most valued virtue in all relationships and encompasses the following traits.

Character Traits of Loyalty

  • a loyal person fulfills promises
  • a loyal person is supportive
  • a loyal person stands by you and for you
  • a loyal person values honesty
  • a loyal person is empathic
  • a loyal person is reliable
  • a loyal person is committed and dedicated

We all want the warmth and security that a loyal relationship brings. We like to be with people who are more likely to be faithful to us. And it is one of the basic necessity according to Maslow’s Heirarchy of Needs – Belongingness and Love Needs.

But remember not to expect other people the exact values we possess. We are all unique and different in personality traits, character, priorities, etc. One can cheat or be faithful to someone forever.

Loyalty is a value that is necessary for a lasting and meaningful relationships.

❤

Posted in life, psychology

What is Gaslighting

Posted on by M Artisans

In my previous post, we talked about manipulation and sampled the character of Jin Mu from Alchemy of Souls. Fact check, we meet a gaslighter in real life sometimes unaware of it, and so before falling to their trap let me show you ways to spot a gaslighter.

Gaslighting is a colloquialism, loosely defined as making someone question their own reality. The term derives from the title of the 1944 film – Gaslight. The term may also be used to describe a person (a “gaslighter”) who presents a false narrative to another group or person, thereby leading them to doubt their perceptions and become misled, disoriented or distressed.

Wikipedia

Gaslighting is a favorite tool of a toxic person. It is a form of abuse and psychological control. A gaslighter will start with small lies, eventually misinformation increases overtime. Anyone can be a victim of a gaslighting and the most effective gaslighter is the hardest to detect.

Gaslighting can appear in various ways. Here are examples or techniques they use (from Medical News Today);

  • Countering: This is when someone questions a person’s memory or recall. They may say, “Are you sure about that? You have a bad memory,” or “I think you are just forgetful.”
  • Withholding: Pretending they do not understand the conversation, or refusing to listen, to make a person doubt themselves. For example, they might say, “Now you are just confusing me,” or “I do not know what you are talking about.”
  • Trivializing: This occurs when a person belittles or disregards how someone else feels. They may accuse them of being “too sensitive” or overreacting in response to valid and reasonable concerns.
  • Denial: Refusing to take responsibility for their actions. They may do this by pretending to forget what happened, saying they did not do it, or blaming their behavior on someone else.
  • Diverting: With this technique, a person changes the focus of a discussion by questioning the other person’s credibility. A great tactic and often use by personalities to divert the attention from them.
  • Stereotyping: A person may intentionally use negative stereotypes about someone’s gender, race, ethnicity, sexuality, nationality, or age to gaslight them. For example, they may say that no one will believe a woman if she reports abuse.

From the examples listed, you maybe able to detect a gaslighter. As a disclaimer, this behavior becomes toxic based on intentions. And we may accidentally use the phrases sampled above without really intending to gaslight someone. It’s all in the intention or motives of a person.

It is different from Manipulation though. Manipulation is a key part of gaslighting, it’s a common tactic. Can be used in marketing strategies, politics, institutions, etc. But gaslighter, they are very rare and much more toxic.

Gaslighting can be psychologically devastating. According to Psychology Today, it violates trust, upends a person’s view that people are generally good, and can make them suspicious of everyone who is close to them. Falling victim to a gaslighter also erodes a person’s trust in themselves and may make a victim never want to be part of a relationship again.

There are ways to protect yourself from this form of abuse. First to simply gather evidence, write journals, take photos, etc. and use them as your proof. You may also talk to someone trustworthy and if needed, leave that toxic relationship.

Posted in motivational

Signs of high EQ

Posted on by M Artisans

As part of my note taking in Emotional and Social Intelligence ESI (UC Davis) – a course I’m currently taking online. Here are the signs of a person, employee or co-worker with high EQ (emotional quotient) or EI (emotional intelligence).

But first we define Emotional Intelligence or EQ as the capacity to be aware of control and express your emotions as well as navigate interpersonal relationships with both good judgement and empathy.

EQ/EI affects every aspect in your life and has been proven to be in the top 10 most important workplace skills needed for success according to World Economic Forum (2020).

Professor Laurie Cozart, UC Davis
– UC Davis

More bullet points to remember;

  • EQ is not as a soft skill
  • people with high EQ make more and perform better
  • high EQ is synonymous to high satisfaction
Professor Laurie Cozart – UC Davis
UC Davis

Posted in Catholic faith, Our Mother of Perpetual Help, prayer

Prayer for home to Our Mother of Perpetual Help

Posted on by M Artisans

Sharing this prayer I’ve learned from Redemptorist church when I was young while joining Nanay (grandma) to her Wednesday devotions. Been praying this ever since.

Our Mother of Perpetual Help

we salute thee as the chosen queen of our home

we beseech thee by thy tender motherly love

to preserve its inmates from destructive fires and earthquakes,

from thieves, accidents and calamities

and above all from sudden and unprovided death,

O Mother of Perpetual Help

be ever the queen of our home,

Amen.

Posted in life, motivational

Life 101: How to not to be toxic

Posted on by M Artisans

Studying Psychology shows you a myriad of complicated terms, endless name of disorders, personality types, etc. But let’s be practical here, everywhere you go there’s always a “toxic” person. They’re impossible to avoid, can give you negative feelings and worse affect your mental health.

But do you know that Toxic behavior is something that can manifest in us all?

We all have bad days but it is important to be aware of our actions and how they affect the people around us. “Self-awareness” – according to my professor and the author of best selling book Permission to feel – Marc Brackett, is the start of becoming an Emotional Scientist.

First, let us learn how to identify a toxic individual.

Toxic people in your life

Being toxic is never fun to be around, you drive people away and usually encounter conflicts and misunderstandings. Keep in mind that these behaviors don’t happen overnight, it is developed through the years and has underlying causes or triggers like childhood trauma. They are actually unconscious and developed over time as their defense mechanism. Not an excuse though, that’s why we begin by realizing if our behavior is already hurting other people.

Ways not to be toxic.

1. Replace negative thoughts with positive ones

  • it all starts with your mind, your thoughts drive and guide how you behave.
  • In my psychology course by Yale Center of Emotional Intelligence, we are provided with “thought strategies”.
  • Professor Marc Brackett said that our brain is hay wired to think negatively right away, it is our automatic way of thinking. This is not good for the body as it activates our limbic system.
  • Thinking positively takes time and lot of effort.

2. Be actively Grateful

  • When we practice gratitude, our feelings of accomplishment and satisfaction increase, and the feeling of burn-out decreases.
  • Toxic people are unhappy because they tend to look at the past and for them everything in their life is not good enough.
  • Take a few minutes everyday to be actively grateful. This could be anything from your pet, sunshine or good weather, family, or the roof above your head.
  • If you really want not to be toxic, know that acknowledging the good things in your life lets you focus on them and everything else seems brighter and happier.

3. Think before you react

  • build the habit of pausing before reacting.
  • toxic people are highly reactive, they tend to lash out on people around them.
  • this is the best time to practice being a better listener, so instead of reacting try to listen first.
  • being an active listener shows that you care.

4. Let your ego go

  • a toxic person is desperate to maintain a certain image to the point of attacking others, or being defensive and becoming a habitual liar.
  • they believe they’re entitled and people are beneath them.
  • accept that nobody’s perfect and that you’re not always correct.
  • kindness is free and without your ego this is easy.

5. Show accountability

  • this is related to ego, apologizing is like admitting defeat to a toxic person.
  • admitting you’ve made a mistake and taking responsibility makes it feel you’ve failed.
  • if you’re not able to be accountable for your own wrongdoing — if you dig in, and have to maintain your image — this is a big potential problem. For one, it’s a sign of narcissism.
  • it will be a struggle to maintain a real relationship to someone who can never ever accept fault. It makes other people uncomfortable, denies their emotions or needs, and leaves them feeling wronged too.

6. Avoid gossip

  • here comes “marites” or the gossiper
  • it becomes highly toxic when the objective of the story is to destroy other people and talk about their misfortunes.
  • don’t be too quick to judge others and then spread rumor about them.
  • try to know people first, listen, be kind and considerate.

7. Build others up, not test them

  • we all want to be with someone who celebrates with us. They are happy when you’ve achieved something instead of belittling.
  • this is related to gossiping, if we try to pinpoint the mistakes of other people.
  • real strength is when you uplift and motivate others instead of pulling them down.

8. Seek help

  • if you’re unsure about your own behaviour in certain aspects of life, that’s completely fine. It’ll probably best to act on it right away.
  • whether it’s consulting friends, family, a professional (like a therapist), there are ways to learn more about ourselves and help us improve these areas in our life.
  • toxic behavior doesn’t happen accidentally. It’s likely caused by something in your mind like unresolved issues and past trauma.
  • connecting with others is also a way of healing. Strong social ties are linked with happiness, longevity and health.

Reaching this point means you care about yourself as a person and open to growth and maturity. Don’t worry, being toxic is not forever, it’s not permanent.

“when you let go of who you are, you become who you might be.”

– RUMI

❤

Posted in kdrama

world of politics in Chief of Staff

Posted on by M Artisans

My husband watches back to back this drama and D&P. I watch this one with him out of curiosity. Though a little late as this was released last 2019. With casts – Lee Jung Jae, Shin Min ah (my fave), Lee Elijah and so forth and available in Netflix and other streaming sites.

Talks about corruption, abuse, death, etc. I like the characters of Lee Jung Jae as Jang Tae Jun (main role), Assemblyman Lee who fights tirelessly for justice, Kang Sun Yeong (played by Shin Min Ah). This series is intense and has exciting twists, portraying a society with real issues, depicting how world of politics really work.

Being married to a civil servant, I can see my husband in the roles of some characters who remain steadfast and principled through and through.

Anyways… if you want drama with realistic plot then you got it here.

Posted in motivational

Life after Odette

Posted on by M Artisans

December 16, 2021 was a day we will never forget.

One of the strongest typhoon hit Cebu province and nearby islands. Philippines is no stranger to typhoons, there are about 40 storms passing every year. And Odette has been the most destructive event since 2013 with Yolanda (typhoon Haiyan).

Odette was internationally known as Super typhoon Rai. It brought violent winds that destroy buildings and infrastructures, knocked down posts and uprooted trees. I personally witnessed the strong winds rampaging our compound and we could hear the howling, roof flying and tiles being thrown around.

In my calendar, I marked that day, it was Thursday. We were supposed to close the store in the usual hour – 10pm. But due to the scary weather forecast, we are forced to close by 3pm. I remember clearly that the wind started to become stronger around 5-6pm. The peak was around 7-8pm and electricity was out by 9pm.

I have not seen such catastrophe and it’s like we were brought down to our knees to beg God for mercy. Thankfully, there was minimal damage in our property. But problems persist due to electricity outage. We lived through 6-7 weeks of no light. Water was also scarce, there was long queue in gasoline and water refilling stations everywhere. As if a doomsday scenario, and no this is not an exaggeration.

We witnessed first hand the wrath of Odette and it changed our perspective in life. Due to lack of water, we cherished every drop and bathed using one pail each. Signal was very bad and I wasn’t able to contact my family in Manila for the first 3 days. We lived one day at a time, everything was a challenge including cooking. That prompted me to try intermittent fasting. The inconveniences were too much, many people lost their houses and worst their loved ones.

Still grateful for the people who checked on us and some even offered to send help, I remember them all. My recollection especially during struggles and emotional incidents is at its height. Wishing to repay them someday. Kindness really is contagious.

Months after, and nightmare is almost forgotten but the lessons I’ve learned and the experiences are etched in my memory. I thank the Lord for all of these and for thriving with only our faith as lifeline.

❤

Posted in kdrama

The light in your eyes

Posted on by M Artisans

There’s one Kdrama that is hands down the ultimate tearjerker. No episode that I didn’t tear up, but this is not to discourage you from watching it.

https://youtube.com/watch?v=aKPhQWrpir0

I got the idea of adding this Kdrama to my playlist by Seungkwan of Seventeen. What a perfect timing that I’m into Psychology and currently studying online. The light in your eyes in my opinion depicts areas in psychology such as anxiety, trauma, dementia (alzheimer) and was beautifully portrayed in the story of it’s main characters. Not here to leave a review but I’ll be sharing the ending quotation which is really motivating and uplifting.

My life is blighted by misfortunes at times,

but there are also happy times.

They say that life is nothing but a dream,

but I’m still grateful for my life.

Even if you’re struggling right now,

everyone has the right to live his everyday.

Don’t waste the present regretting the past,

worrying about the future.

life is worth living…

– Kim Hejya

❤

Posted in life

Character Strengths

Posted on by M Artisans

VIA Character Strengths

In my Positive Psychology class by University of Pennsylvania, we are asked to take the VIA Character Strengths. Unlike the popular MBTI, this test is about character, our signature strengths. If you are curious to take it, link is here. It is free with a payment option for extra features.

Big 5 Character Traits

  1. Openness
  2. Conscientiousness
  3. Extraversion
  4. Agreeableness
  5. Neuroticism

Allow me to share the results of mine –

According to VIA Survey:

  1. Spirituality (transcendence) – having coherent beliefs about the higher purpose and meaning of the universe; knowing where one fits within the larger scheme; having beliefs about the meaning of life that shape conduct and provide comfort.
  2. Honesty (courage) – speaking the truth but more broadly presenting oneself in a genuine way and acting in a sincere way; being without pretense; taking responsibility for one’s feelings and actions.
  3. Appreciation of Beauty & Excellence (transcendence) – noticing and appreciating beauty, excellence, and/or skilled performance in various domains of life, from nature to art to mathematics to science to everyday experience
  4. Fairness (justice) – treating all people the same according to notions of fairness and justice; not letting feelings bias decisions about others; giving everyone a fair chance.
  5. Curiosity(wisdom) – taking an interest in ongoing experience for its own sake; finding subjects and topics fascinating, exploring and discovering.

Remember that there’s no right or wrong answer. And your character strengths are key elements to living an authentic and meaningful life. Research shows that people who use their strengths are 18 times more likely to be flourishing than those who do not. By knowing and using your characters can help you be happier and more confident, improve areas in your life (relationships), and manage problems and stress.

Sources

  • Psychology Today
  • VIA Character Survey
  • Positive Psychology by Prof. Martin Seligman (Father of Positive Psychology – University of Pennsylvania)